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We've often sat down (in front of the telly, at the dinner table, and on the toilet for those ever important, private thinking sessions) and wondered just why the Rock is so popular. Asides from the crappy elbow, minimal wrestling moves and lack of ring pizazz, he's just a sculptured physique with sculptured hair wrapped around profuse sweat, stretched nipples and catch phrases. His character is about being nasty to the common person by pushing them around because he has the 'I'm too good to be in your presence' persona. BUT, this seems to have gotten him over big time. Needless to say, we are baffled. We scratch our heads (and it makes that squeaky noise as we scratch). Apparently, we're not the only ones who are perplexed. A Mad Phat/ Rock fan (that's one of the major oxymorons of this lifetime) named Joel, had emailed me numerous of times, informing me that he is entirely obsessed with the Rock and he doesn't know WHYYYYYY!! He also wanted to know just WHO is Rock speaking to on the cell phone during television skits. Like any other emails from people in desperate need of information and assistance, I deleted it. However, his obsession with the Rock is only rivaled by his persistence. He therefore emailed me again asking the same question. 'Just WHOOOO is he talking to???' Finally, I responded and told Joel that he was in need of a 12 step program to be 'de-Rocked'. Like the true survivalist that he is, he went and did just that. I, Chokee Slam, caring of all, would like to share this 12-step program with any Rock fans. Hopefully it will assist in bringing some serenity to many Rocked minds on this Earth. This just may be the miracle cure for those frequent 'JABRONI!!' or 'CAN YOU SMELL MY ROODY POO??!' outbursts. I want to help the world. Really I do. Fine, don't believe me. Just read this email which contains the 12-step De-Rock program. Just remember, like alcoholism, everytime you relapse, it'll get harder and harder to be de-Rocked. From: Joel Poirier I appreciate all the help I can get. I've sought out the ROS (Rock- Obsessors Anyonymous) for information on how to "let go" of this unnatural fascination of mine. They put me on their 12 step program. First of all, I'd like to thank you for encouraging me to get help. I was in trouble and I needed it. Some nights I would find myself lying in the gutter spouting nonsense like "roodypoo" and "poontang pie". Bigger kids would beat me up for threatening to shine objects up real nice, turn them sideways and place them gently into one of their bodily orifices. And even sometimes I would break out into enormous full-body sweats without any physical exertion. Here was my 12-step program. 1. Admit that you have a problem. I, Joel Poirier, am obsessed with pointing out things that bother me about the Rock, that I am powerless over this obsession and it has made my life unmanageable. That sweaty bastard. 2- Look to a Greater Power to restore you to sanity. Mr. T was very helpful. He even said, 'I pity the foo'!' when I went into catch-phrase withdrawal. 3- Assess the damage to your life. Speaking in the third person has caused people to think I'm an idiot. 'The Joel wants some Cap 'n' Crunch'', 'The Joel thinks he'll have a nap now', 'The Joel says that you should stop laughing at The Joel because The Joel is very sensitive and might run off crying like a little girl.' 4- Make a searching and fearless moral inventory of yourself. It is absurd to watch a television program that I know is beneath me so that I can feel superior to it. 5- Admit to yourself and others, the exact nature of your wrong doings. I once said, in public, 'If ya smell what I'm cookin'.' My girlfriend has not talked to me since. 6- Look to a greater Power to remove these defects of character. Mr. T held the enema bag. 7- Acknowledge your shortcomings and look to a greater Power to remove them. Uhh.. I think I'll hold on to my little 'shortcoming', if you know what I mean. 8- Make a list of all the people you have harmed, and be willing to make amends with them. Chokee Slam - E-mailed on several different
occassions with silly Rock stuff. Sorry. 9- Make direct amends to such people wherever possible. I said I was sorry, sheesh. 10- Continue to take personal inventory and when you are wrong promptly admit it. Ok, ok. The People's Elbow is a dumb move. 11- Seek through prayer and meditation to improve your consciousness. A mantra. Rocky sucks. Rocky sucks. Rocky sucks. Rocky sucks. 12- Carry the message to others. You bet. I was lost in a world of saggy nipples and profuse sweat. Thank you Mad Phat. I'm a new man. Afterthought by Chokee Slam: Now if that doesn't help, take a gander of THIS picture!!
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