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November 98
Edition
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| Backpedaling and Burning Bridges... When Crazy Wayne from Al Snow's Head requested a woman's opinion
of Al Snow, the duty obviously fell upon me, the Mad Phat Snowflake, Bostin Crab. I will
do my best to educate and inspire all you Al Snow fans out there.
Al is very popular with female wrestling fans. Why? Hey! I can't
speak for all women, 'cause God knows, my ideas are not normal by anyone's standpoint, but
in the following paragraphs, I'll try to explain why we women like Al Snow.
First off, I'd like to say that I DO NOT objectify Al Snow, or
any other person, nor do I condone it. This is all in good fun, and appreciating someone's
assets is a compliment to that person, but should be placed in the proper perspective. Now
that I've gotten that off my chest, on with the show. You will soon learn through this
article exactly how bi-polar I really am. |
| I don't know anyone (male or female) who doesn't love Al. It's
not Head we all love either, it's his butt (Figure 1). (OH! I can't believe I went there
already...) Hee hee... OK Bostin, focus... >clears
throat< ... >cracks knuckles< ... >shakes head< ... OK. |
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| The reason everyone loves Head is because Al really
knows how to do it. (Oh look at choo, what's with the inuendo? Hmmm... guess I'm as
focused as I'll ever be). Al has conversations with Head that don't involve us. He's such
a funny guy and his timing is impeccable, on the mic and in the ring. He's a really
talented wrestler, and he's got this gimmick down so well, sometimes I'm wondering
what that darned Head is actually saying to Al. Oh, what
was that? I'm getting a message that I should get back to the butt... Should we get back
to the butt? I think we should... Definitely get back to the butt. |
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Okey dokey, this is the part of the article where the ladies
(and I use that term very loosely) get to coo and purr over Al's bod. Its also the part
where Bostin alienates herself from ever being able to meet Al in person and be able to
tell him who she really is without him thinking she's some kind of shallow psycho
hose-beast freak (Figure 2). But hey, why build a bridge if you're not prepared to burn
it, right? |
| Truth be told, if I was ever to actually meet Al
Snow, I would try to talk to him, treat him like a person. I would intrigue him
with meaningful questions like "Can you sign this?" and inspire him with
statements such as "I think you're really cool" and the ever popular
"You're my favorite wrestler." I'd then leave, and think of exactly 1,234,867
better things I could have said to him. ... Hey, at least I'm aware of my potential. OK, I know what you all want, and I'm pretty sure my inadequacies are not
them... So, fanfare please! |
| Al Snow is damn cute, he's a pleasure to look at, whether he's
wrestling, arguing with Head, or debating the meaning of life with Mankind. He's got a
perky squeezable butt (... like you never noticed) (Figure 3). |
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VERY nice bulging biceps, (but not so ripped that we'd be afraid
he's gonna explode or something) (Figure 4). |
| Adorable dimples (Figure 5 and 6); |
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| and he's gotten a little chubby in such a nice way
recently (Figure 7 and 8). Hey, what can I tell you, I like REAL MEN! |
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A woman friend of mine mentioned Al's "Lab puppy eyes"
(Figure 9). Ha! While I don't condone comparing human wrestlers with cuddly pets, who
could turn down those eyes? I think if Al ever looked at me with those eyes and said
"Please stop writing those goofy things about me", I just might actually stop...
Hmmmm... NAAAAAHHH!!! Are you kidding? The Queen of non-restraint?
But who knows... Hey, Al? Give it a try, ask me, I might stop... (hee hee, but its soooo
much fun, you party pooper!) |
| Lets backtrack to the REAL reason I like Al Snow
(I'm trying to save my dignity here). He's really my favorite wrestler/actor/gimmick. As
far as him being back in the WWF goes, I can't really make a decision on that. Part of me
is happy to be able to see Al on tv every week (sometimes twice), but another part of me
wonders if he wouldn't be better off in ECW. I think he might be more appreciated, more
respected in ECW. I care about you Al, really man, I care. (Now come over here and give me
a hug, you big galoot). Now that the WWF has finished
"introducing" Al to us (it took all summer and fall, didn't it?), he's
been doing his fair share of jobs. I wonder if the Head distraction angle hasn't gone a
little too far. I also wonder when they will really utilize him. Show us what he's made of
(you know, muscle, squishy stuff, bones...) And, damnit, do something with the J.O.B.
Squad! I tell you, I really enjoy WWF storylines (for the most part), but they really take
their time getting them rolling sometimes. I actually think that building it up helps the
angle work better in the end, but its excruciating waiting for it to happen sometimes. |
| The biggest reason I'm apprehensive about Al being unappreciated
in the WWF is that I wonder if the majority of fans zone in on the gimmick, and pay no
attention to Al's skills as a wrestler. (Figure 10) |
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| The J.O.B. Squad debuted this past Sunday, on Heat
(Nov. 8, 1998), and I have to admit, it took me a second to figure out what happened
(hee...what a mark I am sometimes!). Scorpio and Holly "foiled" the win for Too
Much, but funny thing is, Too Much job just about as much as Scorpio, Holly and Al, so,
like I said, it was a slow start, not much of an upset. I really can't wait for the J.O.B.
Squad to start "foiling" some real matches, that should be fun. OK, hands up,
who wants to see Al pin Undertaker, or how about Austin? hee hee... C'mon, you know you
wanna see that. |
| Until next month, Hugs and
kisses,
Bostin Crab |
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